I signed up for the Washington DC Triathlon today. At the beginning of a “normal” season signing up for a race, especially one the size of the DC Tri, would be followed with celebration. But today, I feel really sad.
I’m sad because I signed up alone. This will be no “normal” season.
Speaking of normal, Nicki’s right foot hasn’t been since September. She found out (finally) last Tuesday that she has a stress fracture in the sesamoid bones behind the first metatarsal of her right foot. She can’t walk, much less run … or ride a bike. She said this morning that she’s starting to think that she shouldn’t be swimming either. She is faced with an athlete’s worst nightmare: Prescribed. Total. Rest.
And so the nightmare of an athletic-partner-of-an-athlete begins. Not only will I be training and racing without my training partner; I will also risk becoming a very close and vulnerable target of all her pent up rage.
This could become miserable, for both of us, real quick. That’s partly because after we got the news that Nicki must be on crutches until at least March (which will mark between 5 and 6 months), I chose to continue my season. The culmination is Ironman Wisconsin in Madison on Sept. 9. Training begins Tuesday.
I can’t wait to say to her: “Happy Valentines Day, Love. I know it’s only 6 a.m. I’ll be going now for a 2,500m swim and later a 30-minute run. You know those things that led us to start dating. Remember how we broke all the “rules” on our wedding day, got up early and went for a run before the ceremony? Yeah, that’s right. I’ll be doing those things we love to do together without you today. May I have a goodbye kiss?
“Ouch, why did you just hit me in the kisser?”
Oh how to make this latest stretch of endurance blessed? The only thing good I can think that can come out of this so far is that when I list her as an emergency contact on my race registration forms, she’ll actually be able to respond if I have an emergency. Nope, she won’t have to discover a bloody mess at T2 – like she did at the Old Point Tidewater Triathlon last June – or be waiting around for me as I struggle to the finish line – like she did at Ironman Louisville last August.
It will be a challenge. Nicki and I have had to face those before, and we’ve come through them stronger. Grad school. Moving half-way across the country. Starting jobs. Losing jobs. Starting new jobs. Triggering the heck out of each other with our poor coping along the way. But, as we also established this morning, this is the first challenge we will face that we did not, in some way, ask for. And this is not a challenge that either of us wants.
I’ve wondered often through the past several months what I have to learn during this time. What does Nicki have to learn? What do we have to learn as a couple? How can we turn this unwanted test into an experiment? Use its momentum FOR instead of AGAINST each other?
The question to be tested: What happens to the Shepards as individuals and as a dyad when they face forced differentiation?
My hypothesis: Each will have a new experience of themself and the other that they did not expect.
May the experiment begin. In sickness and in health. For better, and hopefully not worse.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Let the Cleanse Begin
After having a “Lundi Gras” on Monday involving a trip to Pizza Hut with a client followed by a good-sized serving of Halloween candy, I have officially begun the 21-day cleanse. It has been a good first day so far. I am learning a few important things:
1. This is going to take a lot more time and planning than I anticipated. Preparing this many raw vegetables is not an instant task. So far today I have made green juice, hummus, a salad, and tomato wild rice soup and have dirtied almost every major appliance in my kitchen including the juicer (thank you, Mary Jo--this thing rocks!!), the blender, and the food processor, all of which have numerous small parts that require attention after use. Thankfully, Charles and I are on this adventure together and he is a very good kitchen cleaner-upper.
2. I like green juice. This morning was my best creation yet. It included a cucumber, celery, romaine, kale, an apple, and a bit of ginger root. Yum! It doesn’t upset my stomach, keeps me fairly full for a bit, and just feels like I’m drinking health into my body. I know, some of you are reading this thinking “yeah right, not drinking vegetables for breakfast.” Try it—you might change your mind!
3. I feel more consistent throughout the day when I don’t eat sugar. I don’t think I really eat that much sugar even when not on a “cleanse,” but it’s enough to notice mood swings from what I eat and drink. My chai with honey and milk usually keeps me pretty happy in the morning but then I get a bad case of the grumps until I get lunch. Plus I’m always so jittery after all that caffeine and sugar that I start to feel crazy until I get more food.
4. There is no way I could ever do this to myself while Ironman training. There are not enough vegetables and gluten free grains in the world to support that kind of hunger. I still do not comprehend how people are vegan and burn 4000+ calories in a day. Thankfully, due to some nagging pain in my right foot, exercise is being kept to a minimum these days and therefore my metabolism seems to have chilled out.
That’s all I’ve got for now. I do have some fun pictures to post about this adventure!
Charles enjoying our last steak for a bit. Munch thought it looked good too! (he was asked to leave the table shortly after this exchange)
I usually buy lots of veggies but I've never had this many in my cart at once! The lady at the checkout was like, "so you like cucumbers..." (we had six)
Loving the juicer! Going to have to get my own.
Yum!
1. This is going to take a lot more time and planning than I anticipated. Preparing this many raw vegetables is not an instant task. So far today I have made green juice, hummus, a salad, and tomato wild rice soup and have dirtied almost every major appliance in my kitchen including the juicer (thank you, Mary Jo--this thing rocks!!), the blender, and the food processor, all of which have numerous small parts that require attention after use. Thankfully, Charles and I are on this adventure together and he is a very good kitchen cleaner-upper.
2. I like green juice. This morning was my best creation yet. It included a cucumber, celery, romaine, kale, an apple, and a bit of ginger root. Yum! It doesn’t upset my stomach, keeps me fairly full for a bit, and just feels like I’m drinking health into my body. I know, some of you are reading this thinking “yeah right, not drinking vegetables for breakfast.” Try it—you might change your mind!
3. I feel more consistent throughout the day when I don’t eat sugar. I don’t think I really eat that much sugar even when not on a “cleanse,” but it’s enough to notice mood swings from what I eat and drink. My chai with honey and milk usually keeps me pretty happy in the morning but then I get a bad case of the grumps until I get lunch. Plus I’m always so jittery after all that caffeine and sugar that I start to feel crazy until I get more food.
4. There is no way I could ever do this to myself while Ironman training. There are not enough vegetables and gluten free grains in the world to support that kind of hunger. I still do not comprehend how people are vegan and burn 4000+ calories in a day. Thankfully, due to some nagging pain in my right foot, exercise is being kept to a minimum these days and therefore my metabolism seems to have chilled out.
That’s all I’ve got for now. I do have some fun pictures to post about this adventure!
Charles enjoying our last steak for a bit. Munch thought it looked good too! (he was asked to leave the table shortly after this exchange)
I usually buy lots of veggies but I've never had this many in my cart at once! The lady at the checkout was like, "so you like cucumbers..." (we had six)
Loving the juicer! Going to have to get my own.
Yum!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Preparing to Cleanse
I’m having a difficult time trying to figure out how to start a blog after not posting anything for months, so I’ll just begin by admitting that and moving on from there. It has been a crazy year. Actually, scratch that, it has been crazy since we moved away from Mississippi in August 2009, so crazy that we have all but forgotten our blog that we used to enjoy updating regularly. I have decided it is time to change that. In fact, I have decided it is time to change many things about the way I have been living my life, especially since we moved to Virginia and life got really confusing.
To explain the confusing part, let me give an overview of the last 2+ years. Here goes: Decide we want to move to VA. Start looking for jobs. State adamantly that I WILL NOT work in community mental health. Cannot find any jobs in higher education due to hiring freeze at all state schools (it’s early 2009 and the economy isn’t doing great…) Shadow a therapist doing equine therapy. Get excited about using horses therapeutically as I reflect on how therapeutic my own relationships with Joey and Oliver (my ponies) were when I was growing up. Decide that perhaps community mental health is the best way to get hours to get licensed so I can do equine therapy. Talk to Brian, my former RTS Admissions Office boss, who encourages me at least to try therapy so I don’t spend the rest of my life regretting my decision not to pursue it since I am still waffling at this point.
Interview for intensive in home job with Charles in June 2009. Charles get hired. I do not. We move anyway with the hope that I will get a job doing in home at another branch of the agency. My cat, whom we’ve had since I was 11, dies three days after we move here (not the best week of my life). I interview for the in home job at the other location. I am told that intakes are down and there’s actually no position open. Try again. Work for Kaplan for several months. Finally get offered in home job and begin in December 2009. Get a cat who adds joy, vet bills, and many dismembered rodents to our life.
Agency gets audited and fined $3.6 million. All hell breaks loose. Medicaid cuts reimbursement rate by $10/hour. Agency takes away our mileage reimbursement and Charles and I each take an additional 18% pay cut, about $1500 less per month than we thought we would make. Life is looking really good. Mild panic ensues. Why the heck did we move here for these jobs?! Continue working for agency anyway. Apply and interview for other positions in the area, none of which will be a good fit. Go visit Jackson by myself to get away for a week. Get explosive food poisoning but otherwise enjoy the trip. Feel very sad about coming back to VA. Pick up more work through Kaplan because I am so miserable doing in home. Go to horse therapy training. Get more excited and goal-oriented. Complete half-ironman with Charles. Things are looking up.
Strain my hamstring and cannot run for 3+ months. Bummer. Recover and begin Ironman Louisville training in February 2011. Finally decide that perhaps I like doing in home and may not actually be messing up my families as much as I originally feared.
Go to Jackson again, this time with Charles. Cry a lot. Remember all the reasons why I loved Mississippi. Have a really hard time transitioning back to VA. Start to suspect something is going on with our agency. Get news end of June 2011 that the agency will file bankruptcy and close on July 31. Awesome. We will both be without jobs in about a month. Good thing we signed up for an individual health insurance policy last December. Really good thing that we just put $2000+ on the credit card to pay for the class we’re about to start. Really, really good thing we just signed another year lease.
Full blown panic. I spend a frantic week applying for whatever I can find. We start getting crazy ideas like “let’s just leave the country and live overseas for awhile.” Less than a week after the “you’re losing your job” email, we find out another agency wants to buy us. So we still have jobs? Maybe. Skepticism is high. New agency seems pretty cool. Get offered job. Accept job. Accept new responsibilities including being a supervisor and intake coordinator. Go from working about 10 hours a week to 12 hour days. Whew. Thankfully we begin our taper to prepare for Ironman Louisville. Complete the Ironman and have a perfect weekend in Louisville (perhaps more on this in another post). Life is really good. Fly around on Ironman high for a few weeks. Get so excited that we sign up for Ironman Wisconsin for September 2012.
Go to 10 year high school reunion. Backpack and hike with Charles. Start horseback riding again. Enjoy the lovely fall weather. Get iPhone!! (More on why that’s relevant in a second.) Continue at frantic pace but at least feel more settled and secure in some ways.
That about brings us up to the present. Life is good, mostly. I am still lonely. I still miss Jackson. I think it may be getting better. Or maybe I’m just too busy to think about it anymore.
Back to the iPhone and why that’s relevant to all this. I went with my supervisor, Gretchen, to get the new phone a few weeks ago. While waiting at the store, I was telling her about a 21-day cleanse and Charles and I are planning to start November 1st, and Gretchen, never one to miss an opportunity for supervision, asked, “Do you ever have a time where you’re not working toward some goal?” To which I replied, “No.” Without missing a beat, she responded, “That can be your new theme then: Slow Down and Be With What Is.”
(Note: For supervision, all of our families have themes that describe how we’re working to overcome their dysfunctional patterns. This brings focus to our work. As clinician we also have themes that describe how we’re working to overcome our own dysfunctional patterns in order to grow as therapists.)
I thought this a funny conversation to be having at the Verizon store, but I knew she was on to something. I don’t slow down. Therefore, I am rarely fully present. I always have a to-do list running through my head. I have to-do lists written all over my planner. I add things to my to-do list even after I’ve completed them just so I can cross them off and feel more productive. I am reliable, efficient, and attentive to every detail, and constantly reinforced for these qualities, but I drive myself and others crazy. I am always anticipating the next thing, planning for it, worrying about it, sometimes just hoping it will hurry up and get here or be over depending on what kind of thing it is. I often have a “life will be so much better when…” mentality rather than opening my eyes to see what is going on right now. I know this impacts not only my therapeutic relationships but also my friendships and my marriage. I know one day it will impact my relationship with my children. I would like to learn how to slow down and be present with what is.
That brings me back to the 21-day cleanse I mentioned earlier which is taken from the book Crazy Sexy Diet by Kris Carr for those of you who are wondering. Despite the fact that this is, in fact, another goal, I am going to do it and use it as a way to focus on my theme: slow down and be with what is. Usually when I set goals, I focus so much on getting to the end result that I miss the process of getting there. This cleanse is all about the process—the process of slowing down and paying attention, of checking in with my body again, of being mindful about what and how I am doing so that I can be more present with myself and also with others. I am not doing it to be “healthy” or to become vegan. I fully intend to add dairy and meat and alcohol and other “bad-for-me-foods” back into my diet. I truly am just interested in the process of doing something different intentionally.
From November 1-21, I am going to be mindful of what I eat, and in forcing myself to slow down in this area, I hope to be more mindful of what is going on in the rest of my life. I’m going to be nice to my body physically by feeding it nutritious meals rather than grabbing whatever I can find while on the run and eating it while standing, walking, talking on the phone, or driving between clients. And I want to learn to be nicer to myself emotionally because I am discovering that I am just downright mean to myself. I live in fear and try to motivate myself through shame. I do not treat myself with much respect. It is not very nice.
I’m posting all this because I want to write more during this cleanse as a way to make me stop and process what is going on. I’m going to try to post several times a week even if it is just about new recipes or sugar withdrawal or the distress the diet of so many raw vegetables is causing to my digestive system. I used to journal all the time, to the point that I would complete at least a journal a year. I opened my journal the other day and realized that I started writing in it in September 2006 and still haven’t run out of pages! This feels like a problem. Apparently, I have not slowed down in awhile. It is time for a change.
To explain the confusing part, let me give an overview of the last 2+ years. Here goes: Decide we want to move to VA. Start looking for jobs. State adamantly that I WILL NOT work in community mental health. Cannot find any jobs in higher education due to hiring freeze at all state schools (it’s early 2009 and the economy isn’t doing great…) Shadow a therapist doing equine therapy. Get excited about using horses therapeutically as I reflect on how therapeutic my own relationships with Joey and Oliver (my ponies) were when I was growing up. Decide that perhaps community mental health is the best way to get hours to get licensed so I can do equine therapy. Talk to Brian, my former RTS Admissions Office boss, who encourages me at least to try therapy so I don’t spend the rest of my life regretting my decision not to pursue it since I am still waffling at this point.
Interview for intensive in home job with Charles in June 2009. Charles get hired. I do not. We move anyway with the hope that I will get a job doing in home at another branch of the agency. My cat, whom we’ve had since I was 11, dies three days after we move here (not the best week of my life). I interview for the in home job at the other location. I am told that intakes are down and there’s actually no position open. Try again. Work for Kaplan for several months. Finally get offered in home job and begin in December 2009. Get a cat who adds joy, vet bills, and many dismembered rodents to our life.
Agency gets audited and fined $3.6 million. All hell breaks loose. Medicaid cuts reimbursement rate by $10/hour. Agency takes away our mileage reimbursement and Charles and I each take an additional 18% pay cut, about $1500 less per month than we thought we would make. Life is looking really good. Mild panic ensues. Why the heck did we move here for these jobs?! Continue working for agency anyway. Apply and interview for other positions in the area, none of which will be a good fit. Go visit Jackson by myself to get away for a week. Get explosive food poisoning but otherwise enjoy the trip. Feel very sad about coming back to VA. Pick up more work through Kaplan because I am so miserable doing in home. Go to horse therapy training. Get more excited and goal-oriented. Complete half-ironman with Charles. Things are looking up.
Strain my hamstring and cannot run for 3+ months. Bummer. Recover and begin Ironman Louisville training in February 2011. Finally decide that perhaps I like doing in home and may not actually be messing up my families as much as I originally feared.
Go to Jackson again, this time with Charles. Cry a lot. Remember all the reasons why I loved Mississippi. Have a really hard time transitioning back to VA. Start to suspect something is going on with our agency. Get news end of June 2011 that the agency will file bankruptcy and close on July 31. Awesome. We will both be without jobs in about a month. Good thing we signed up for an individual health insurance policy last December. Really good thing that we just put $2000+ on the credit card to pay for the class we’re about to start. Really, really good thing we just signed another year lease.
Full blown panic. I spend a frantic week applying for whatever I can find. We start getting crazy ideas like “let’s just leave the country and live overseas for awhile.” Less than a week after the “you’re losing your job” email, we find out another agency wants to buy us. So we still have jobs? Maybe. Skepticism is high. New agency seems pretty cool. Get offered job. Accept job. Accept new responsibilities including being a supervisor and intake coordinator. Go from working about 10 hours a week to 12 hour days. Whew. Thankfully we begin our taper to prepare for Ironman Louisville. Complete the Ironman and have a perfect weekend in Louisville (perhaps more on this in another post). Life is really good. Fly around on Ironman high for a few weeks. Get so excited that we sign up for Ironman Wisconsin for September 2012.
Go to 10 year high school reunion. Backpack and hike with Charles. Start horseback riding again. Enjoy the lovely fall weather. Get iPhone!! (More on why that’s relevant in a second.) Continue at frantic pace but at least feel more settled and secure in some ways.
That about brings us up to the present. Life is good, mostly. I am still lonely. I still miss Jackson. I think it may be getting better. Or maybe I’m just too busy to think about it anymore.
Back to the iPhone and why that’s relevant to all this. I went with my supervisor, Gretchen, to get the new phone a few weeks ago. While waiting at the store, I was telling her about a 21-day cleanse and Charles and I are planning to start November 1st, and Gretchen, never one to miss an opportunity for supervision, asked, “Do you ever have a time where you’re not working toward some goal?” To which I replied, “No.” Without missing a beat, she responded, “That can be your new theme then: Slow Down and Be With What Is.”
(Note: For supervision, all of our families have themes that describe how we’re working to overcome their dysfunctional patterns. This brings focus to our work. As clinician we also have themes that describe how we’re working to overcome our own dysfunctional patterns in order to grow as therapists.)
I thought this a funny conversation to be having at the Verizon store, but I knew she was on to something. I don’t slow down. Therefore, I am rarely fully present. I always have a to-do list running through my head. I have to-do lists written all over my planner. I add things to my to-do list even after I’ve completed them just so I can cross them off and feel more productive. I am reliable, efficient, and attentive to every detail, and constantly reinforced for these qualities, but I drive myself and others crazy. I am always anticipating the next thing, planning for it, worrying about it, sometimes just hoping it will hurry up and get here or be over depending on what kind of thing it is. I often have a “life will be so much better when…” mentality rather than opening my eyes to see what is going on right now. I know this impacts not only my therapeutic relationships but also my friendships and my marriage. I know one day it will impact my relationship with my children. I would like to learn how to slow down and be present with what is.
That brings me back to the 21-day cleanse I mentioned earlier which is taken from the book Crazy Sexy Diet by Kris Carr for those of you who are wondering. Despite the fact that this is, in fact, another goal, I am going to do it and use it as a way to focus on my theme: slow down and be with what is. Usually when I set goals, I focus so much on getting to the end result that I miss the process of getting there. This cleanse is all about the process—the process of slowing down and paying attention, of checking in with my body again, of being mindful about what and how I am doing so that I can be more present with myself and also with others. I am not doing it to be “healthy” or to become vegan. I fully intend to add dairy and meat and alcohol and other “bad-for-me-foods” back into my diet. I truly am just interested in the process of doing something different intentionally.
From November 1-21, I am going to be mindful of what I eat, and in forcing myself to slow down in this area, I hope to be more mindful of what is going on in the rest of my life. I’m going to be nice to my body physically by feeding it nutritious meals rather than grabbing whatever I can find while on the run and eating it while standing, walking, talking on the phone, or driving between clients. And I want to learn to be nicer to myself emotionally because I am discovering that I am just downright mean to myself. I live in fear and try to motivate myself through shame. I do not treat myself with much respect. It is not very nice.
I’m posting all this because I want to write more during this cleanse as a way to make me stop and process what is going on. I’m going to try to post several times a week even if it is just about new recipes or sugar withdrawal or the distress the diet of so many raw vegetables is causing to my digestive system. I used to journal all the time, to the point that I would complete at least a journal a year. I opened my journal the other day and realized that I started writing in it in September 2006 and still haven’t run out of pages! This feels like a problem. Apparently, I have not slowed down in awhile. It is time for a change.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Rest Day ReWind: When in doubt, leave it out
Nicki and I have modeled our training for Ironman Louisville after the guidance of Joe Friel and Don Fink, who wrote the Triathlete’s Training Bible and Be IronFit, respectively. Both have decades of experience in competition and coaching, and we highly recommend the reading for triathletes of any level.
One of the common tenets that both authors preach is “When in doubt, leave it out.” Essentially that means that training for triathlon, especially the Iron distance, requires a concerted, planned training attack, and there are very few workouts that can be missed for optimal success. However, make sure to listen to your body. It is better to stop when you notice fatigue in order to allow your body to recover enough to continue rather than to ignore the signs of fatigue or injury, keep going, and then really mess things up.
I resolved as I began my training four weeks ago that when in doubt, I’d leave it out. I just didn’t expect to have doubts so soon. As I’m writing this entry (Sunday), I’m currently fighting the urge to go out and do my 60-minute Zone1 to 2 run scheduled for today. But I’ve been laid up since Saturday, when I started to feel chills 45 minutes into a 90 minute Zone 2 bike ride. By the time we got home, I was shivering badly — there was a sub-40 wind chill after all. When I took my temperature, I discovered I had a 100.2-degree fever. I took a hot shower, got in bed and slept for a few hours.
Did I mention that Saturday was my 31st birthday? We cancelled dinner plans, ate leftovers, watched six episodes of Arrested Development Season 2, and I went to bed at 9:15 p.m. I’m a real party animal, I know. After another 11 hours of sleep, I’m feeling better today. I skipped church, but I did laundry and made some adjustments to my bike. No fever, no nausea, no upset stomach. I’ll probably take another nap after lunch.
But I really want to go run. I mean, what could it hurt? Well, that’s the thing. I don’t know. I’m feeling better, and the weather is warmer, but raising my heart rate for a significant amount of time could derail my recovery from whatever mild illness I had. Honestly, I was probably just fatigued. The feverishness was reminiscent of times when I was in college when I would get sick during finals. If I made sure to get serious sleep shortly thereafter, I was as good as new. Work has been really draining, especially last week. I’m taking a grad-level course at James Madison University, which had a paper due last Wednesday and a mid-term next week, and I’m conjuring up ideas about how to raise money for Journey Counseling Ministries. All that on top of my first four weeks of Ironman training, the most ambitious athletic goal I’ve ever set.
Now I’m tired again.
You might say I need more tortoise and less hare. I’ve been getting warning signs all week. A Journey board member. A good friend. Both telling me they fear I’m going to burn myself out before I get anywhere. I’m so consumed and in such a hurry to get established professionally that I forget to take care of myself and listen to my body and heart.
It is for this concept of slowing down to a more sustainable effort that I picked up endurance sports in the first place. Focus more on the process than the finish line. Cooperate rather than compete. Know your own limits and swim, bike, run, work love, play within them.
Monday starts another week, and I’ll head into this one well rested and with the understanding that I’m only as established as I can be. No more, no less. I don’t have to know it all; I don’t have to have it all. The truth is that I don’t. Far from it. That frame of mind is a more sustainable place from which to come.
One of the common tenets that both authors preach is “When in doubt, leave it out.” Essentially that means that training for triathlon, especially the Iron distance, requires a concerted, planned training attack, and there are very few workouts that can be missed for optimal success. However, make sure to listen to your body. It is better to stop when you notice fatigue in order to allow your body to recover enough to continue rather than to ignore the signs of fatigue or injury, keep going, and then really mess things up.
I resolved as I began my training four weeks ago that when in doubt, I’d leave it out. I just didn’t expect to have doubts so soon. As I’m writing this entry (Sunday), I’m currently fighting the urge to go out and do my 60-minute Zone1 to 2 run scheduled for today. But I’ve been laid up since Saturday, when I started to feel chills 45 minutes into a 90 minute Zone 2 bike ride. By the time we got home, I was shivering badly — there was a sub-40 wind chill after all. When I took my temperature, I discovered I had a 100.2-degree fever. I took a hot shower, got in bed and slept for a few hours.
Did I mention that Saturday was my 31st birthday? We cancelled dinner plans, ate leftovers, watched six episodes of Arrested Development Season 2, and I went to bed at 9:15 p.m. I’m a real party animal, I know. After another 11 hours of sleep, I’m feeling better today. I skipped church, but I did laundry and made some adjustments to my bike. No fever, no nausea, no upset stomach. I’ll probably take another nap after lunch.
But I really want to go run. I mean, what could it hurt? Well, that’s the thing. I don’t know. I’m feeling better, and the weather is warmer, but raising my heart rate for a significant amount of time could derail my recovery from whatever mild illness I had. Honestly, I was probably just fatigued. The feverishness was reminiscent of times when I was in college when I would get sick during finals. If I made sure to get serious sleep shortly thereafter, I was as good as new. Work has been really draining, especially last week. I’m taking a grad-level course at James Madison University, which had a paper due last Wednesday and a mid-term next week, and I’m conjuring up ideas about how to raise money for Journey Counseling Ministries. All that on top of my first four weeks of Ironman training, the most ambitious athletic goal I’ve ever set.
Now I’m tired again.
You might say I need more tortoise and less hare. I’ve been getting warning signs all week. A Journey board member. A good friend. Both telling me they fear I’m going to burn myself out before I get anywhere. I’m so consumed and in such a hurry to get established professionally that I forget to take care of myself and listen to my body and heart.
It is for this concept of slowing down to a more sustainable effort that I picked up endurance sports in the first place. Focus more on the process than the finish line. Cooperate rather than compete. Know your own limits and swim, bike, run, work love, play within them.
Monday starts another week, and I’ll head into this one well rested and with the understanding that I’m only as established as I can be. No more, no less. I don’t have to know it all; I don’t have to have it all. The truth is that I don’t. Far from it. That frame of mind is a more sustainable place from which to come.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
I'm Official
Well, Charles-the-Bottomless-Pit is back with a vengeance. After just three weeks of training, he just can’t get full. He hovers around the cabinets and refrigerator searching for something, anything. So, as a good enmeshed wife who feels better about herself when hubby is well-fed and full (am I paying attention to my own Boundaries Sunday School class?!), this renewed hunger has prompted me to explore some new dinner options. I also included “cook one new meal every month” as a New Year’s Goal for myself, along with “finish Ironman Louisville.”
After four years of marriage, I have gotten stuck in a rut of cooking the same things over and over and over…Not that this is a huge deal since Charles-the-Bottomless-Pit will pretty much eat anything and has only complained once about something I made in four years. That was when I added brussel sprouts to a meal. The next day he kindly and tentatively said something to the effect of “you know how you added brussel sprouts last night? Could we not have that again?” And we haven’t. I knew that was asking a lot of him, especially in our first year of marriage. Other than that, he has no problem with eating homemade pizza, lasagne, tortilla soup, chili, chicken tetrazzini, and spaghetti on repeat. We actually really enjoy our weekly routine of making pizza together. But it is time to branch out, I think.
This brings me to my creation last night. But before that, I have to go back two weeks ago when we first went out to Polyface Farm after watching the movie Food, Inc. If you’ve ever wondered where your grocery store meat comes from and you’d like to continue buying that grocery store meat, then don’t watch this movie because I’m not sure I’ll be able to buy grocery store meat anymore. Actually, after I finished the movie I was pretty sure I’d never eat meat again. Then I ate my homemade pepperoni pizza and that plan went out the window. However, I would like to make more of an effort to buy locally. Perhaps I’ll add that to the New Year’s Goals.
So we went out to Polyface, bought some stew beef, ground beef, a whole chicken, and some pork sausage. Though the meat definitely costs more than Walmart, the difference is incredible. I used the sausage to make an amazing 13 Bean and Sausage Chowder last week. Tomorrow I’m making beef stew with the stew beef. And last night I made this:
I told Charles this feels like some sort of rite of passage to become a real wife. So now, four years in, I’m official. I cooked a whole bird. It was not nearly as scary as I anticipated, and, as my mom said, “it’s the easiest meal ever. You put it in the oven and don’t do anything to it for 2 hours!” Yum. Charles even said he was full after he finished. Success.
After four years of marriage, I have gotten stuck in a rut of cooking the same things over and over and over…Not that this is a huge deal since Charles-the-Bottomless-Pit will pretty much eat anything and has only complained once about something I made in four years. That was when I added brussel sprouts to a meal. The next day he kindly and tentatively said something to the effect of “you know how you added brussel sprouts last night? Could we not have that again?” And we haven’t. I knew that was asking a lot of him, especially in our first year of marriage. Other than that, he has no problem with eating homemade pizza, lasagne, tortilla soup, chili, chicken tetrazzini, and spaghetti on repeat. We actually really enjoy our weekly routine of making pizza together. But it is time to branch out, I think.
This brings me to my creation last night. But before that, I have to go back two weeks ago when we first went out to Polyface Farm after watching the movie Food, Inc. If you’ve ever wondered where your grocery store meat comes from and you’d like to continue buying that grocery store meat, then don’t watch this movie because I’m not sure I’ll be able to buy grocery store meat anymore. Actually, after I finished the movie I was pretty sure I’d never eat meat again. Then I ate my homemade pepperoni pizza and that plan went out the window. However, I would like to make more of an effort to buy locally. Perhaps I’ll add that to the New Year’s Goals.
So we went out to Polyface, bought some stew beef, ground beef, a whole chicken, and some pork sausage. Though the meat definitely costs more than Walmart, the difference is incredible. I used the sausage to make an amazing 13 Bean and Sausage Chowder last week. Tomorrow I’m making beef stew with the stew beef. And last night I made this:
I told Charles this feels like some sort of rite of passage to become a real wife. So now, four years in, I’m official. I cooked a whole bird. It was not nearly as scary as I anticipated, and, as my mom said, “it’s the easiest meal ever. You put it in the oven and don’t do anything to it for 2 hours!” Yum. Charles even said he was full after he finished. Success.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Less is More
Nothing compares to running. Long bike rides are satisfying, hard swim workouts leave me refreshed, but nothing provides that “runner’s high” unique to running. I especially love it on cold mornings for some crazy reason. My car thermometer read 16 degrees when I left to drive to the Lee High School track at 7am this morning. And it was exhilarating—running through clouds of my breath, feeling the warmth of my body (once I warmed up!) in contrast to the freezing air outside, inhaling deep breaths of that frosty air into my lungs…I am convinced that the endorphin fix that I experience from running can be as powerful as any drug. And because, until this week, I have not actually run since the 6 miles I did on October 24th, my body has been experiencing some intensely painful withdrawal symptoms these last 3+ months.
Running and I have had a tumultuous relationship from the start. I think some people have genetics on their side when it comes to running; I do not. I do not come from a family of runners. I can remember having frequent injuries as far back as middle school track. Back then it was irritation in my achilles. In high school I had painful tendonitis on the back of my knee, probably from running ridiculous numbers of stair repeats during indoor track season in our 3 story school on concrete floors. Later in high school and into college I had a perpetual case of shin splints and pain that occasionally felt like a stress fracture in my shin. When I trained for my first marathon in 2004, I had all kinds of knee trouble and ended up getting a “J brace” to help push my right knee cap back into place because it was rubbing on the bone on the side. I went to shoe fitters, sports med doctors, physical therapists, runner friends who could offer advice…I bought different shoes, ankle supports, 3 different knee braces, various shoe inserts…all in an attempt to run injury free, all because the drug of running is so addictive. I moved to Jackson, started doing more cross training like swimming and cycling, and miraculously, I had about 3 years of injury free running. It was amazing. I did speed work, I got faster and stronger, and I began to believe that I am a runner after all.
Then we moved to Staunton, the hilliest place on the face of the earth. And my joints and tendons went into open rebellion.
I have been injured pretty much since we moved here. First it was my right hip flexor, probably a result of the strain from running down these steep hills. I decreased intensity and reduced mileage, and that eventually got better. Then the outside of my right ankle was killing me, probably from the uneven terrain of the trails at Montgomery Hall Park. So I stopped trail running, and it felt better. But then my right knee started hurting with a pain I had never experienced. It began after a 6 mile run up and down the hills at Charles’s parents’ house on Christmas Day 2009. Something inside me knew that course was a bad idea, but we were all stir crazy, so I went anyway. I think that was the beginning of the end.
The insane amount of snow we got last winter prevented us from riding our bikes outside for several months, so in an effort to combat our ever-increasing self-diagnosed Seasonal Affective Disorder, Charles and I decided to begin training for the Charlottesville Marathon. We also signed up for the Charlottesville 10 miler. My knee never felt 100% on our long runs, and eventually I had to come to terms with the reality that I was injured beyond what I could just “run through” as I had with so many previous injuries. I began physical therapy in March and learned more than I ever wanted to know about all the weird imbalances I have. I also learned that the problem was not my knee but all the muscles and tendons around it. It then occurred to me that the horseshoe shaped hole in my right quad from when I got kicked in 8th grade may be a big part of why I have so many problems on my right side. Who knew?!
Looking back, I made all kinds of mistakes last spring and summer that combined to force me to take 3+ months completely off from running recently. I acknowledged my injury and made some attempt to heal by going to PT, but I never took time off to rest. I thought the Charlottesville 10 miler was so important that I wasn’t going to let anything stop me from running it, not even the fact that in the months leading up to it, I ran 10 miles on January 23rd and then did not run more than 5 miles until the race on April 3rd, some weeks without running at all. Then I blew through 10 miles in 1:19:59, my fastest 10 miler time yet. Felt satisfying at the time. And I have regretted that decision ever since.
My big race of the season was the Patriot’s Half which wasn’t until SEPTEMBER. I look back now and just wonder what I was thinking! The 10 miler was so inconsequential to the rest of the season, yet it ended up dictating my ability to train all year and even now. I ran with on and off pain throughout 2010 until late October, after 2 half ironman races within 3 weeks (another one of those “what was I thinking” decisions), when I decided this was crazy and I chose to stop running altogether. It was a difficult decision but perhaps the best one I’ve made in all the years I have been running.
Now I am back to square one physically, but I am realizing it is a good place to be. Of course getting to this place took many tears and angry, childish outbursts, but I am now better prepared to take care of my body this year. My big race is not until August 28th. There is no need to rush into training only to be injured again. With the incredible support of Charles, I took two full weeks off completely in January after several weeks of already decreased exercise. Once my hamstring and lower leg pain was completely gone, I eased back into some swimming and cycling. Last Sunday I tried running again, just four 400s on the rubberized track with 400m of walking in between each. Today I tried four 800s, again with walking in between each. Perhaps in the next few weeks I will try to run an entire mile continuously. This is requiring a tremendous amount of self-control!
Right now I am often completely overwhelmed by the idea of finishing the entire Ironman in August at this rate, but in some ways, if I am able to do it, this experience will make it feel like even more of an accomplishment and a journey toward personal growth. I want to get out of the typical triathlete trap of "more is more" and "if I take time off, I'll never get my fitness back." The sport of triathlon attracted me not only because swimbikerun is fun, but because I recognize so many parallels between the sport and real life. I am excited to discover what life lessons my training this year will teach me.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
RestDay ReWind: Where I come from
Let me tell you a little about where I'm coming from with this whole Ironman for Journey idea.
I am coming from parents and a family that values service.
The latest example comes from Dad. This past Saturday Dad was spending his weekend like he often does, on a day hike through the North Georgia mountains with a local trail club. This particular outing involved a loop that connected Lake Winfield Scott and Blood Mountain and included some distance on the Appalachian Trail. At 58, he was one of the younger group members, but it was a healthy, outside-loving bunch, and none doubted that any of them could handle the challenging 7.5 miles.
Dad called me on Sunday to tell me that after the group had stopped for lunch, about half way through the hike and at the height of their elevation gain, he and another guy, a former football coach from Washington, Ga., who was walking directly behind him in line, were joking about the cold. The man said he thought his thermometer on his backpack was lying because it was reading 40 degrees and there was just no way that was true. Dad continued to chuckle as he turned to face forward.
The laughing stopped when Dad heard a thud behind him. He turned around to find this man, who he'd met just that morning, had fallen and was rolling off the trail. When Dad and others reached him, he was unconscious but breathing. The group couldn't find a pulse.
Keep in mind, the fallen man had walked the current path the previous Thursday with the trip leader just to do recon and had completed it without issue. When he hit the ground, it was a total surprise. The trip leader called the man's wife to alert her of what was going on. Dad called 911, and worked with another group member to administer CPR while another group member with nursing experience tried to awaken the man. They never revived him.
The perimedics had been dispatched from Blairsville, which is about 15 miles from Blood Mountain. Still, it took EMTs nearly 90 minutes to arrive, largely due to the 3-plus-mile hike in from the road carrying rescue equipment. When they arrived, they asked how long Dad and others had been doing CPR. When they replied that it had been more than an hour, the EMTs directed them to stop, and they called the time of death.
Dad was heartbroken. The trip leader was so stricken he couldn't bring himself to call the man's wife to deliver the news. When no one else stepped up, Dad did it.
I'm proud of my Dad. He was prepared and he cared.
"What a way to go," Dad told me. Better out in the woods doing what you love than the slow death of complacency. But I think Dad was just trying to soften the blow. He wanted that man to live, because Dad values life.
I love sharing my life with him and the rest of my family. He and Mom are going to be with Nicki and me in Louisville. I can't wait to see them along the course and at the finish line. When I think about it on training runs I have to stop because I start running too fast.
Reckon I just get too darn excited.
My training week: 02/07/2011
Metrics — Weight: 161.0 lbs. Body fat: 17.0 percent. Resting heart rate: 55 bpm.
M — Off
T — Swim (300m wu, 8x50m drills, 16x25m @ 10 seconds, 1x400 @ 60 seconds, 16x25 @ 10 seconds, 8x50m drills, 200m cd); Run (30 min.)
W — Bike 30 min, Z2 (QC); run 15 min Z2
R — Swim (300m wu, 8x50m drills, 3x125m @20 sec, 2x175 @ 30sec, 3x125 @20 sec, 8x50 drills, 200 cd); bike 30 min, 100 rmp, Z1
F — Run 30 min Z2
Sa — Bike 1 hour, Z2
Su — Run 45 min Z1-2.
Key — Z = heart rate zone, wu= warmup, cd=cool down
The plan is that he and Mom will be in Louisville for the race.
I am coming from parents and a family that values service.
The latest example comes from Dad. This past Saturday Dad was spending his weekend like he often does, on a day hike through the North Georgia mountains with a local trail club. This particular outing involved a loop that connected Lake Winfield Scott and Blood Mountain and included some distance on the Appalachian Trail. At 58, he was one of the younger group members, but it was a healthy, outside-loving bunch, and none doubted that any of them could handle the challenging 7.5 miles.
Dad called me on Sunday to tell me that after the group had stopped for lunch, about half way through the hike and at the height of their elevation gain, he and another guy, a former football coach from Washington, Ga., who was walking directly behind him in line, were joking about the cold. The man said he thought his thermometer on his backpack was lying because it was reading 40 degrees and there was just no way that was true. Dad continued to chuckle as he turned to face forward.
The laughing stopped when Dad heard a thud behind him. He turned around to find this man, who he'd met just that morning, had fallen and was rolling off the trail. When Dad and others reached him, he was unconscious but breathing. The group couldn't find a pulse.
Keep in mind, the fallen man had walked the current path the previous Thursday with the trip leader just to do recon and had completed it without issue. When he hit the ground, it was a total surprise. The trip leader called the man's wife to alert her of what was going on. Dad called 911, and worked with another group member to administer CPR while another group member with nursing experience tried to awaken the man. They never revived him.
The perimedics had been dispatched from Blairsville, which is about 15 miles from Blood Mountain. Still, it took EMTs nearly 90 minutes to arrive, largely due to the 3-plus-mile hike in from the road carrying rescue equipment. When they arrived, they asked how long Dad and others had been doing CPR. When they replied that it had been more than an hour, the EMTs directed them to stop, and they called the time of death.
Dad was heartbroken. The trip leader was so stricken he couldn't bring himself to call the man's wife to deliver the news. When no one else stepped up, Dad did it.
I'm proud of my Dad. He was prepared and he cared.
"What a way to go," Dad told me. Better out in the woods doing what you love than the slow death of complacency. But I think Dad was just trying to soften the blow. He wanted that man to live, because Dad values life.
I love sharing my life with him and the rest of my family. He and Mom are going to be with Nicki and me in Louisville. I can't wait to see them along the course and at the finish line. When I think about it on training runs I have to stop because I start running too fast.
Reckon I just get too darn excited.
My training week: 02/07/2011
Metrics — Weight: 161.0 lbs. Body fat: 17.0 percent. Resting heart rate: 55 bpm.
M — Off
T — Swim (300m wu, 8x50m drills, 16x25m @ 10 seconds, 1x400 @ 60 seconds, 16x25 @ 10 seconds, 8x50m drills, 200m cd); Run (30 min.)
W — Bike 30 min, Z2 (QC); run 15 min Z2
R — Swim (300m wu, 8x50m drills, 3x125m @20 sec, 2x175 @ 30sec, 3x125 @20 sec, 8x50 drills, 200 cd); bike 30 min, 100 rmp, Z1
F — Run 30 min Z2
Sa — Bike 1 hour, Z2
Su — Run 45 min Z1-2.
Key — Z = heart rate zone, wu= warmup, cd=cool down
The plan is that he and Mom will be in Louisville for the race.
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